Written by Dr Sara Tookey
Imagine constantly swimming against the current while others seem to float effortlessly downstream. For adults with ADHD—especially those with high-functioning ADHD, diagnosed later in life—this struggle can feel all too familiar: a daily battle not just with external challenges, but with an often harsh and unforgiving internal voice.
What if there was a powerful tool that could transform this inner dialogue and help you thrive with your neurodivergent mind?
Self-compassion might be the missing piece in your ADHD journey. Research shows that cultivating kindness toward yourself isn't just a nice idea—it's a science-backed approach that can significantly improve focus, emotional regulation, and overall wellbeing for adults with ADHD.
Key Learning Points:
The Compassion Paradox: Discover why self-compassion is crucial for ADHD success, yet often misunderstood and difficult to achieve.
Unmasking Hidden Criticism: Learn to recognise self-criticism disguised as motivation—and why it's holding you back.
The Neuroscience of Kindness: Explore how self-compassion improves challenges often associated with ADHD, leading to better focus and improved emotional regulation.
Beyond Positive Thinking: Get practical, ADHD-friendly techniques to cultivate genuine self-compassion.
Redefining ADHD Success: See how a compassionate approach leads to sustainable growth and authentic self-acceptance.
Read more about the importance of the compassion focused approach from our related articles:
1. Why Self-Compassion is So Challenging for High-Functioning ADHD Adults
The Compassion Paradox
Research shows that ADHD individuals often experience significantly lower levels of self-compassion compared to their neurotypical peers (Beaton et al., 2020; Beaton et al., 2022; Willoughby and Evans, 2019). This isn't just about being "too hard on yourself"—it's a complex interplay of:
Neurological differences affecting emotional regulation
Lifetime experiences of perceived failures and criticism
Internalising external judgements about ADHD traits
Feeling fundamentally "different" from others
ADHD adults often report feeling disconnected from others, scoring higher on isolation scales and lower on common humanity measures. As one ADHDer put it: "What I felt was I was actually a bad person... I was not an adequate human being" (Stenner et al., 2019).
The Cycle of Criticism and Masking
Many late-diagnosed adults with ADHD have endured decades of messages like:
"You're just not trying hard enough."
"It's not that hard, just do it."
"You're just being lazy."
"What's the matter with you?"
Dr. Sharon Saline (2022), Clinical Psychologist and expert in supporting families with ADHD, describes how "criticism from others and themselves accumulates and is internalised into beliefs about self-worth." Many end up feeling "less-than" or unworthy compared to neurotypical peers who seem to struggle less or make fewer mistakes”, creating "a recipe for a mental health crisis."
Masking emerges as a protective response to this criticism. To avoid judgement, many ADHDers develop elaborate strategies to hide their authentic selves and ADHD traits—exhausting themselves in the process and only worsening their shame. The mask becomes both shield and prison, protecting from external judgement while reinforcing internal criticism.
When Self-Criticism Masquerades as Motivation
This internalised criticism becomes particularly insidious because:
It's Sneaky: Self-criticism doesn't always manifest as harsh words directed at oneself. It can appear as seemingly innocent questions, simple instructions, disguised as encouragement, or even exist as wordless feelings of shame.
It Masquerades as Motivation: Especially for high-achieving individuals with ADHD, self-criticism can be so ingrained that it's mistaken for motivation. What starts as "You can do better than that. Try harder. Just focus" translates internally to a core belief of never being enough or being damaged and deficient in some way.
It's Below Conscious Awareness: This internalised criticism becomes a lens through which individuals view themselves and their actions, reinforcing negative self-perceptions and making it difficult to cultivate self-compassion.
It Can Feel Necessary: Some people become so accustomed to self-criticism that they believe it's essential for their functioning in day-to-day life, or essential in allowing them to achieve their goals in life. Letting go of self-criticism can feel too much of a risk.
Dr. William Dodson estimates that at least 95% of adults with ADHD experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)—an intense emotional response to perceived criticism or rejection (Dodson, 2023, 2025). This sensitivity can make self-compassion feel not just difficult but potentially dangerous—as if kindness toward oneself might lead to complacency or failure. Over time, many ADHDers come to believe that being hard on themselves is necessary for success.
2. What is Self-Compassion and Why It's Valuable for ADHD
The Three Elements of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion isn't self-pity or letting yourself off the hook. According to Dr. Kristin Neff (2003), it has three core components:
Self-kindness instead of self-judgement: Being gentle and understanding with yourself
Common humanity instead of isolation: Recognising everyone faces challenges; you're not alone
Mindfulness instead of over-identification: Balanced awareness of your thoughts without being consumed by them
For those with ADHD—who often experience heightened self-criticism, isolation, and emotional reactivity—these elements address exactly what's needed.
The Neuroscience: Self-Compassion Physically Rewires the ADHD Brain
Self-compassion isn't just a feel-good practice—it actually changes your brain. Neuroimaging studies show that self-compassion activates care-giving and self-awareness regions of the brain that are often under-active in ADHD individuals (Lutz et al., 2008).
Research has linked self-compassion practices to:
Reduced depression and anxiety symptoms (MIllard et al., 2023)
Lower addiction relapse rates (Craig et al. 2020; Chen et al., 2019)
Buffered emotional reactivity to stress (Cosely et al., 2010; Kirby et al., 2017)
Decreased shame and self-criticism (Kotera et al., 2019)
Increased motivation toward self-improvement (Breines and Chen, 2012)
Increased self-insight and life satisfaction (Frank et al., 2021)
Reduction in physiological pain perception (e.g. Maratos et al., 2020).
For ADHD brains—which often struggle with emotional regulation, attention, and motivation—these benefits can be transformative.
3. Practical Applications: Building Self-Compassion with ADHD
Developing self-compassion with ADHD requires approaches that work with your brain, not against it. Here are evidence-based strategies tailored for the ADHD mind:
The ADHD-Friendly Self-Compassion Toolkit
1. The 30-Second Self-Compassion Break: When you make a mistake or feel overwhelmed:
Place your hand on your heart or another soothing spot
Take three deep breaths
Say to yourself: "This is difficult right now. Everyone struggles sometimes. How can I be kind to myself in this moment?"
2. Name Your Inner Critic: Give your critical inner voice a name or character. This creates distance and makes it easier to recognise when it's talking. "Oh, that's just Critical Carl talking again—I don't have to believe everything he says."
3. The Friend Perspective Shift: When self-criticism hits, ask: "What would I say to a friend in this exact situation?" Then direct that same compassionate response toward yourself.
4. Compassion Anchors: Create physical reminders of self-compassion—a special stone in your pocket, a bracelet, or a phone background—that prompt you to pause and offer yourself kindness throughout the day.
5. Counter Perfectionism with "Good Enough": Practise intentionally doing things "good enough" rather than perfectly. This directly challenges the perfectionistic tendencies common with ADHD.
6. Self-Compassionate Movement: Physical movement that feels good—walking, stretching, dancing—while consciously sending kindness to your body can bypass mental resistance to self-compassion.
Dr. Saline's Four-Step Framework
Dr. Sharon Saline suggests this ADHD-friendly approach:
Normalise: Remember everyone struggles; making mistakes is human
Understand: Get curious about your reactions rather than condemning them
Identify "Stinking Thinking": Recognise and challenge negative thought patterns
Externalise Shame: Give shame a name or image to create distance from it
4. Redefining ADHD Success Through Self-Compassion
From Perfection to Progress
Self-compassion transforms how we define "success" with ADHD. Instead of:
Perfect execution
Unwavering focus
Never making "careless" mistakes
Achieving neurotypical standards
We embrace:
Consistent effort and progress
Recovery from distractions
Learning from mistakes
Honouring your unique brain wiring
Success Without Masking
Self-compassion creates safety to unmask—to be authentically yourself rather than exhausting yourself trying to appear neurotypical. This shift conserves the mental and emotional energy typically spent on masking, making more resources available for what truly matters to you.
Research suggests self-compassion actually increases motivation and resilience (Breines and Chen, 2012). By treating ourselves with kindness, we create an internal environment conducive to genuine growth and sustainable success.
As Dr. Saline beautifully puts it:
"Self-compassion allows you to be good enough as you are, with your warts, with your foibles, sometimes off-balanced, sometimes more reactive than you'd like, sometimes disorganised, but fundamentally perfectly imperfect as a human being, just like everyone else."
Conclusion: From Shame to Strength
The journey to self-compassion for late-diagnosed ADHD adults isn't always easy, but it's transformative. By recognising the unique challenges you face, unmasking hidden self-criticism, and practising evidence-based compassion techniques, you can change your relationship with ADHD from one of shame to one of strength.
Self-compassion doesn't eliminate ADHD challenges, but it creates a foundation from which you can approach those challenges more effectively. It's the difference between swimming against the current while also fighting yourself, versus accepting the current and finding your own way to navigate it.
Remember, your ADHD mind isn't a flaw to be fixed—it's a unique way of experiencing and interacting with the world. By cultivating self-compassion, you're not just managing symptoms; you're embracing your whole self and unlocking your true potential.
The next time you make an "ADHD mistake," try responding with kindness instead of criticism. Your brain—and your wellbeing—will thank you.
[Note on Language: This article uses neuro-affirming language, recognising ADHD as a natural variation in human brains and how we process information.]
Final Point: What Everybody Needs to Know About Neurodivergence
Whether diagnosed or not, neurodivergent individuals often face systemic barriers and vulnerabilities. Whether professionally diagnosed or self-identified, it's crucial to remember that being neurodivergent is not a choice. For those who self-diagnose later in life, traits may become more apparent as they feel safer to be themselves. Supporting individuals on their journey of self-discovery, regardless of their diagnostic status, is essential for their well-being and self-acceptance.
Note: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a qualified mental health professional for personalised guidance.
WANT TO LEARN MORE?
Read our related articles:
The Power of Self-Compassion: An Introduction to Compassion Focused Therapy
Men's Mental Health: Challenging stigma, learning vulnerability and giving compassion
Need Support with ADHD?
Book a free screening call with Dr. Tookey to learn about our compassionate assessment approach
At TNP we specialise in High-Functioning ADHD and other non-typical presentations of ADHD.
Explore our neurodiversity-affirming therapy services
This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a qualified mental health professional for personalised guidance.
STAY CONNECTED
Please share your thoughts with us and please let us know what other topics you like to read about in our blog!
READ MORE from our Blog HERE!
SUBSCRIBE to learn more about adult ADHD, get tips on managing and thriving with ADHD, and keep up to date with our service announcements and events.
NEED THERAPEUTIC SUPPORT?
At True North Psychology we provide a neurodiversity-affirming and inclusive approach to therapy - listening to neurodivergent voices and providing appropriate accommodations and approaches to supportive our clients and staff.
Psychologists on our platform have experience of working with neurodiverse individuals and some have special interests and expertise in the areas of ADHD and Autism.
Book a FREE 30-minute Therapy Discovery Call with one of our neurodivergent-affirming Psychologists Today.
Get Started & Book your Therapy Discovery Call
References
Beaton, D. M., Sirois, F., & Milne, E. (2020). Self-compassion and Perceived Criticism in Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Mindfulness, 11, 2506–2518. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12671-020-01464-w
Beaton, D. M., Sirois, F., & Milne, E. (2022). The role of self-compassion in the mental health of adults with ADHD. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 78(12), 2497-2512. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.23354
Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599
Dodson, W. (2023). New insights into rejection sensitive dysphoria. ADDitude. https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-emotional-dysregulation/
Lutz, A., Brefczynski-Lewis, J., Johnstone, T., & Davidson, R. J. (2008). Regulation of the neural circuitry of emotion by compassion meditation: effects of meditative expertise. PloS one, 3(3), e1897. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0001897
Millard, L. A., Wan, M. W., Smith, D. M., & Wittkowski, A. (2023). The effectiveness of compassion focused therapy with clinical populations: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders, 326, 168-192. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2023.01.010
Stenner, P., O'Dell, L., & Davies, A. (2019). Adult women and ADHD: On the temporal dimensions of ADHD identities. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour, 49(2), 179-197. https://doi.org/10.1111/jtsb.12198
Comments